How many people do you know who have remarried or who are living in a stepfamily? The chances are good that either you or someone you know has had such an experience. When we discuss remarriages and stepfamilies, we are talking about a significant proportion of the U.S. population. But considerable diversity exists among the remarried. We will look first at the various types and then at some related statistics.

Types of Remarried Couples

There are many ways to classify remarried couples. For instance, men and women come to remarriage from a variety of situations. At the time of remarriage, the man and woman were in one of five different conditions: single, divorced or widowed with no children, divorced or widowed with custody of children, divorced or widowed without custody of children, or divorced or widowed with custody of some children but not others. Such a classification yields 24 different types of remarriages (the number is 24 rather than 25 because two single people do not constitute a remarriage).

The possible combinations could be further multiplied if we added those who have adult children no longer living at home and those who have had more than one divorce. The important point here is that each combination is likely to produce different outcomes. As we shall see, the prospects for a stable and satisfying union are quite different for a single woman who marries a divorced man who has custody of his children versus those for a marriage between two divorced people without children versus those for a marriage between two divorced parents, each of whom has custody.

As may already be clear, remarried life and especially stepfamily life can become incredibly complicated. The network of relationships expands enormously. Consider the problems of a divorced woman who has custody of her children marrying a divorced man who has custody of his children. There may be ex-spouses to deal with, grandparents who are still very attached to the children, other relatives of the ex-spouses with whom there were close relationships, new stepparent relationships, and new stepsibling relations to work through. It is likely to be a difficult process at best.

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Demographics of Remarriage and Stepfamilies

The majority of those who divorce will remarry. And some of those widowed will also remarry. In 2013, 23 percent of married people had been married before (Geiger and Livingston 2019). Most often, remarriage means the creation of a stepfamily; more than 4 out of 10 American adults now have at least one steprelative in their family (Parker 2011).

Somewhat similar results on remarriage have been found in Canada (Wu and Schimmele 2005). About 42 percent of women and 54 percent of men enter a second union within five years of a divorce. Initially, more opt for cohabitation than for marriage, however, and widows are less likely than others to remarry.

The probability of remarriage varies by a number of demographic factors (Lewis and Kreider 2015). The percentage of those remarried is slightly higher for women (17.7 percent) than for men (16.5 percent). It is higher for white, non-Hispanics (20.1 percent) than for Hispanics (10.3 percent), African Americans (12.9 percent), or Asian Americans (7.2 percent). And with regard to education, it is highest (19.8 percent) among those with a high-school degree than those with either fewer or more years of schooling.

The increasing number of remarriages means that there is also an increasing number of children who live in stepfamilies. The proportion of children in stepfamilies varies by racial/ethnic group (figure 15.1). White, non-Hispanic children have the highest proportion who are in stepfamilies, while Asian American children have the lowest. Among all groups, the biological mother–stepfather arrangement is far more common than the biological father–stepmother.

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What are the prospects for those who remarry? Census Bureau reports in the past consistently showed a higher breakup rate for second than for first marriages. Although such data are no longer being gathered on a regular basis, we have no reason to assume that the situation has changed. The most recent data we have shows that 31 percent of second marriages will end within five years (compared to 20 percent for first marriages) (Avvo Staff 2015). And the chances of breakup are even greater for third marriages, 73 percent of which will eventually come to an end. 

 One factor that makes remarriages more vulnerable, as we shall discuss below, is the stress of living in a stepfamily. Interestingly, the chances of disruption are not increased when a man brings children into the remarriage (Teachman 2008). Moreover, if the remarried couple has children of their own, the second marriage is less likely to break up (Wineberg 1992).

One other type of remarriage that is unstable is that involving an individual who is in a serial-marriage pattern. Serial marriage refers to three or more marriages that occur as a result of repeated divorces or widowhood. Nearly 900,000 Americans have been married three or more times (Lewis and Kreider 2015).

Those who remarry must go through the processes of dating and mate selection again. Although we think of dating and mate selection as something that occurs mainly in adolescence and the 20s, millions of Americans repeat the process at other times in their lives. Reluctance to date once again and the painful memories of the failures of the first marriage combine to make some divorcees reluctant to look for a new mate. Among those who divorce after the age of 50, women are more likely to reject remarriage as a part of their future, while men are very open to the notion (Crowley 2019). Still, the majority of people who divorce will remarry.

How is dating at 40 or 50 or 60 different from what it was in youth? As we pointed out in chapter 5, the reasons that older people date as well as some of their experiences are the same as those of younger people. Whatever your age, you are likely to date because you want to establish an intimate relationship, generally one that will culminate in marriage or cohabitation.

Is it any easier to date when you are older? Perhaps not. As a divorced man of 50 put it, “I felt like a kid again. The same anxiety. The same awkwardness whenever the conversation stopped. The same questions about what I should or shouldn’t do.” The man was experiencing only one of the problems that the divorced face in dating. There may be problems because of children—such as children’s resentment of, and resistance to, a strange man intruding into their family life. As a result, mothers may experience higher levels of stress and harsher parenting with their children (Beck et al. 2010). There may also be problems of limited money because of alimony and/or child support as well as a sense of impatience to establish a new relationship and a reluctance to waste time on one that is going nowhere.

Most people whose marriages have been disrupted by divorce or death would like to marry again. We already have noted that the majority of those divorced intend to remarry. A study of those widowed found smaller proportions who thought about remarrying and some gender differences (Carr 2004). Six months after a spouse’s death, significantly more men (30 percent) than women (16 percent) wanted to remarry some day and even fewer (17 percent of men and 6 percent of women) were interested in dating. By 18 months after the death, however, the proportion interested in dating rose to 37 percent of the men and 15 percent of the women.

Those who want to remarry must go through the process of dating, even though many prefer to shorten the process as much as possible. A national study of older, unmarried adults found that 14 percent were dating (Brown and Shinohara 2013). Compared to non-daters, the daters were more likely to have a college degree, a high level of assets, and good health.

As with younger daters, many older people look for dates online. A study of a small number of those who went online found that the men wanted a committed relationship and focused on women’s physical attractiveness, while the women wanted companionship and focused on men’s abilities (McWilliams and Barrett 2014).

A problem for those who want the dating to lead to remarriage is that a certain amount of time is needed between the disruption of one marriage and the initiation of another. Widows and widowers who remarry too quickly may not have had time to work through their grief and loss, and may be emotionally unprepared to forge the bonds of intimacy with someone new. The divorced who remarry too quickly may not have time to work through their pain and disappointment, completely sever ties with the ex-spouse, or learn from the failed relationship. The popular notion of avoiding a “rebound” marriage is sound because an old relationship can adversely affect a new one. Yet if the time between marriages is too long, problems also can develop. For example, in a remarriage of a person who has had long-time custody of a child, it may be difficult for the new spouse to break into the existing parent–child relationship. Unfortunately, some parents do not discuss dating issues with their children (Sumner 1997). They may proceed with a relationship that will eventually be stressed or disrupted because they will be forced to choose who will get priority in their lives—a child or a new mate.

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While there is no set amount of time that is ideal in every situation, in general a period of from three to five years before remarriage seems optimal. This should allow the divorced or widowed individual sufficient time to work through the emotional pain and to experience a number of relationships.

A study of divorcing custodial parents found that half had dated before the divorce filing, and within a year after the filing had, on the average, two new partners (Anderson et al. 2004). Nationally, 15 percent of women remarry within a year after a divorce, and by three years 39 percent have remarried (Bramlett and Mosher 2002). This relatively rapid reentry into marriage is one of the factors in the greater instability of remarriages.

What do the divorced do to prepare for remarriage? Knowing the vulnerability of marriages, what steps do they take to minimize the possibility of a second breakup? They could live together before getting married, or get counseling, or read self-help books. But apart from living together, the majority of couples do little or nothing and, indeed, are convinced that they do not need to prepare (Higginbotham, Miller, and Niehuis 2009).

An important way of preparing for any marriage, including a second one, is for the couple to discuss significant issues and potential problems. But many couples do not discuss potential sources of trouble in their relationship, not even matters regarding children or finances.

The issues would be discussed in the context of premarital counseling, of course. But a study of 1,740 married people found that those in second marriages were significantly less likely than those in first marriages to have gone through premarital counseling as a preparation for their current unions (Doss et al. 2009). In short, most people are not taking the steps necessary to enhance their likelihood of having a stable and satisfying second marriage.

People remarry for many of the same reasons that they married the first time. In particular, people wish to establish an intimate relationship:

We find the promise of a caring and loving relationship to be the prime motivation for remarriage. (Sager et al. 1983:61)

The most frequently given reason of 205 men and women, that “it was time,” probably reflects their felt need for intimacy (figure 15.2). As figure 15.2 shows, those who remarry also have some reasons that are different from those in first marriages. Thus, parents with custody of their children may be motivated by the desire to find suitable co-parents.

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In chapter 8 we discussed private contracts, assumptions, and expectations that each partner has for the other in the marital relationship. People also bring their private contracts to remarriage. Based on clinical experience, Clifford Sager and his associates (1983:67–68) have identified some of the common expectations in remarriage. Those who remarry tend to assume and expect that the new spouse will

1. be loyal, devoted, and faithful, providing a kind of romantic love and intimacy that occurred when the first marriage was at its best (or that was lacking altogether in the first marriage).

2. help nurture and discipline the children.

3. provide companionship and relief from the loneliness of being single.

4. help deal with problems and stresses and gain, or regain, the order and stability of a two-parent family.

5. be committed to making this marriage last.

Depending on age and circumstances, those who remarry also may expect to have shared children (even if one or both bring children to the marriage).

In some cases, the private contract may be unrealistic. It may, in essence, say to the other, “I expect you to do everything for me that my former spouse didn’t. I expect this to be the marriage ‘made in heaven’ that I didn’t have before.” Ideally, however, those who remarry will be more realistic, avoiding fanciful illusions and maintaining flexibility about roles in order to maximize the chances of success.

What is it like to remarry? What are the problems and prospects the second time around? Is it just as demanding? Does it ever get any easier? Remarriage, like marriage for the first time, requires insight and effort if it is to succeed. Unfortunately, many people enter a second marriage holding on to certain mythical beliefs that can be detrimental.

What exactly is it about stepfamilies that makes them more vulnerable to breaking up than others? In the first place, a stepfamily is built upon loss—the loss of the earlier family with its unique identity, history, and shared expectations (Lauer and Lauer 1999). Stepfamilies also present people with numerous, often unanticipated, adjustments with loyalty conflicts (e.g., between one’s spouse and one’s children or between one’s stepparent and one’s biological parent) and with problems of resources (e.g., a stepfather may pay child support for his biological children, putting a financial strain on the stepfamily [Arnaut 2000]). In this section, we will look at the challenges posed by the stepfamily life cycle, by the structure of the stepfamily, and by the troublesome stepparent–stepchild relationship.

Stepparents and Stepchildren

What do the terms stepparent and stepchild mean to you? Is your initial reaction positive, neutral, or negative? In our experience, students generally tend to react negatively to the very terms stepparent and stepchild. They believe that stepparents are both less obligated and less likely than either biological or adoptive parents to be supportive in various situations requiring parent–child interaction (Schwebel, Fine, and Renner 1991). And 45.5 percent of a sample of university students believed that children who live with a stepfather are at greater risk for sexual and physical abuse than are children who live with biological fathers (Claxton-Oldfield and Whitt 2003).

These negative perceptions may be rooted, at least in part, in experience. Having a stepchild, even a nonresident stepchild, is associated with higher depressive symptoms (Pace and Shafer 2015). And relationships in a stepfamily tend to be less positive than those in a biological family. Analysis of data from a national survey showed the stepparents report significantly fewer activities with and positive responses to children than do biological parents (Thomson, McLanahan, and Curtin 1992). This is not purely an American phenomenon. An Australian study reported that stepparents generally had less parental socioemotional connection to the children, and more parental resentment and jealousy, than biological parents (O’Connor and Boag 2010). Nevertheless, stereotyping the stepfamily in negative terms does not help members adjust easily to each other, nor does it help children enter into a stepfamily with optimism and hope.

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Finally, we should note that older children, including adult children, may also have problems with a stepparent. A 45-year-old woman whose 69-year-old mother remarried some years after being widowed admitted that she had problems accepting her stepfather:

One reason I got so upset was that I felt like Mom’s new husband was just after her money—Dad’s money. Her new husband gave his house to his son and then moved in with Mom. I remember Dad saying that he didn’t mind dying because he knew that his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren would be running around that house just like I did when I was little. But he left the house to Mom. If she dies first, I’m afraid her new husband will get everything and my children and grandchildren will lose what my dad expected them to have.

Stepfathering

Because of custody arrangements over the past few decades, stepfathering with custody of the child has been more common than stepmothering with custody. How well do stepfathers function in their parenting? Looking at the question from the stepfathers’ point of view, Marsiglio (1992) found in a national survey that more than half of stepfathers disagree that it is harder to love stepchildren than one’s own children. The survey also showed that stepfathers who have both stepchildren and their own children in the same household and who have a happy relationship with their partner are more likely to say that they feel “fatherlike” toward the stepchildren and report better relationships with their stepchildren.

Similarly, looking at the question of stepfather parenting from the mothers’ point of view suggests that stepfathers are doing quite well (Bzostek 2008; Berger et al. 2008). According to the mothers’ reports, the involvement of stepfathers in their children’s lives is as beneficial for the children’s well-being as is the involvement of the biological fathers. Moreover, mothers say that in most respects, their children’s stepfathers parent as well as, or even better than, the biological fathers and that the stepfathers engage in more cooperative parenting than did the biological fathers.

This is not to demean or minimize the importance of biological fathers. Rather, having good relationships with both a stepfather and the nonresident father are important for the child’s well-being (White and Gilbreth 2001; King 2006, 2007). Stepfathers who engage in shared activities with their adolescent stepchildren, for example, tend to enhance the children’s emotional well-being (Yuan and Hamilton 2006).

It is, therefore, encouraging to note that many stepfathers are satisfied with their roles and experience a positive parenting experience. In fact, many stepfathers are more involved with, and more supportive of, their stepchildren than the children’s biological father is (Hofferth and Anderson 2003; Marsiglio 2004; Van Houdt, Kalmijn, and Ivanova 2020). Such a positive parenting experience is more likely to happen when (Ihinger-Tallman and Pasley 1987; Fine, Ganong, and Coleman 1997; Everett 1998) the following are true:

• They have prior, involved parenting experience with their natural children.

• They frequently engage in parenting behavior and view their parenting as their right and their responsibility.

• They communicate often and well with their stepchildren.

• Their wives support them in their involvement with and discipline of stepchildren.

Discipline of stepchildren is a particularly problematic area (Newman 1994; Lauer and Lauer 1999). The child may resent discipline from a stepfather. In fact, stepchildren tend to believe that it is the mother’s rather than the stepfather’s responsibility to discipline them (Moore and Cartwright 2005). If the stepfather takes primary responsibility for discipline in the face of the stepchild’s resentment, or if he participates in the discipline and he and the mother disagree about how the child should be disciplined, the outcome is likely to be disruptive to the marriage and the family. A study of 50 stepfather families reported that stepfather–adolescent relationships were best when both the stepfather and the adolescents perceived stepfather–mother agreement about parenting of the adolescents (Skopin, Newman, and McKenry 1993).

In spite of the stepfathers’ perceptions and the problems that can arise, there are, as far as we know, no significant differences between stepfather and intact families in such things as perceptions of family conflict and the quality of family relationships (Ganong and Coleman 1988). The majority of stepchildren say that they like their stepparents and get along well with them. Adults who were raised in stepfamilies seem to get along as well in family relationships as those raised in intact families.

Stepmothering

In a study of stepfamilies, mothers reported themselves responding as positively to their stepchildren as to their biological children (Fine, Voydanoff, and Donnelly 1993). Nevertheless, the family with a stepmother is the most likely to be conflicted and poorly adjusted (Ganong and Coleman 1994).

A survey of 104 undergraduates reported that those in stepmother families perceived less relationship quality, less support, and more conflict with their stepmother than those who lived with their biological mothers (Pruett, Calsyn, and Jensen 1993). The challenge of stepmothering is not helped by the fact that there is a long cultural tradition of the “wicked stepmother.” In addition, there are abundant illustrations of disastrous efforts at stepmothering. A woman whose marriage broke up because of stepchildren tells about the agony:

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I was in my early 20s when I married a man with two kids, one 8 and one 12. He had joint custody with his wife. I tried from the first to be their friend. Eventually the boy and I developed a good relationship. But the girl would have none of it. She never would look at me or talk to me directly if she could avoid it. I remember one time I suggested we all go camping on the next weekend. I thought it would be a good family activity. She turned to her father and said, “Does she have to go along?” He told her yes, because “she’s my wife.” They were talking about me as if I wasn’t even in the room. My husband never tried to get her to change her behavior toward me. He was afraid she might stop spending time with us. I didn’t want to make him choose between me and his daughter. So I left him.

Stepmothering does seem to be more troublesome than stepfathering. Perhaps one factor in this is that stepmothering is more likely than stepfathering to involve a noncustodial relationship. When the stepchild is in the home, the stepmother rather than the child’s father is likely to have the extra work of cleaning and cooking. The stepmother is called on to assume a burden that will have little or no emotional benefit to her. Not only is the stepchild not hers, but she may feel left out because the father is involving his ex-wife more than her in the parenting process.

Stepmothering, then, may be the most demanding parental role of all. And that may be why stepmothers tend to exhibit higher levels of stress and anxiety than stepfathers, and higher levels of depression and anxiety than biological mothers (Doodson 2014; Doodson and Davies 2014). Still, stepmothering isn’t necessarily a painful experience. Many stepmothers have very positive experiences with their stepchildren, and the majority of stepchildren have satisfying relationships with stepmothers. Crohn (2006) interviewed 19 young women, 19 to 25 years of age, who had positive relationships with their stepmothers. She found five styles of stepmothering, each of which worked well in terms of a positive relationship. Whatever the style, all of the women agreed that a primary factor in the positive relationship was that the stepmother did not try to usurp the role of the biological mother. Apart from that, the styles were quite different.

The most common style was that of “an older close friend.” These stepmothers had a close relationship with their stepdaughters, and were affectionate and loving. They did not attempt to control their stepchildren; rather, they used suggestions rather than directives when trying to enforce family rules. Another style was that of “a type of kin.” Stepdaughters described these stepmothers as being like a cousin or sister or aunt. Some of these stepmothers were like valued guides or mentors to their stepchildren.

A third style was of that of “a peer-like girlfriend.” These stepmothers were significantly younger than the biological parents, and were likely to share similar interests in music and food. Two of the young women identified a style of “my father’s wife.” These stepmothers were disengaged. The relationship was civil but minimal. Finally, one young woman described her stepmother as “like another mother.” She said her stepmother was very nurturing (unlike her career-oriented biological mother) and that she felt good when people thought her stepmother was her biological mother.

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Stepchildren and the Marital Relationship

Stepparents are more likely than biological parents to perceive strains on their marriage from the parenting experience (Falke and Larson 2007). White and Booth (1985) reported that those with stepchildren in their homes are more likely than others to prefer living apart from the children and to perceive the children as giving them problems. They are also less likely to be satisfied with their spouse’s relationship with their children. Finally, they are more prone to see the marriage as having a negative effect on the children and more likely to say that if they could do it all over, they would not have married. In fact, 15 percent of those with stepchildren said they wouldn’t have married, compared with only 6 percent of those without stepchildren. Not surprisingly, those with stepchildren reported somewhat less marital happiness than others.

Wives are more likely to see their marital relationship affected by their husbands’ relationships with the children (his children, her children, or their children) than vice versa (Hobart and Brown 1988). Marital satisfaction also is affected by the type of family. Satisfaction is significantly lower when both spouses bring children to the marriage than when only one has children by a previous marriage (Clingempeel 1981). Satisfaction also is significantly affected by the living arrangements of the stepchildren. Stepmothers who have the least amount of difficulty and report the highest amount of marital satisfaction are those who have live-in stepchildren rather than stepchildren who visit the home. While a live-in stepchild does not necessarily make for an easy situation, stepmothers apparently find it easier to develop a close relationship with the live-in child. Thus, the greater frequency of problems with stepmothers than stepfathers may be rooted in the fact that most stepmothers do not have live-in stepchildren.

There are a variety of reasons stepchildren can adversely affect the marital relationship (Lauer and Lauer 1999). The stepfamily is an instant creation rather than a gradual process of pregnancy, birth, and the development of intimate relationships from the beginning of the child’s life. Coming into an instant family and dealing with the challenges and issues of that stage of the family life cycle may not be fully compatible with the stepparent’s individual stage of life. As one stepmother put it,

I do my best. I really like my stepdaughter. But I find myself still thinking about the fact that I’m raising another woman’s child. And meanwhile, I’m trying to establish my career. It’s not quite fair. But I remind myself that I do like her and that she is my husband’s child.

Children also have a negative impact when there is conflict with stepparents. The biological parent may then face a loyalty conflict: Do I side with my spouse or my children? A study of 24 remarried mothers found that when there was a conflict between their children and their husbands (stepfathers), the mothers’ primary loyalty lay with their children, and they engaged in protective behaviors of various kinds (Weaver and Coleman 2010). Depending on the type of protective behavior (e.g., whether defending the child versus acting as a mediator), the outcome may be a strain on the marriage as well as on the stepparent–stepchild relationship.

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Yet another factor that complicates the stepfamily and poses a threat to the marital relationship is that the ex-spouse and his or her parents may continue to have input into the children’s lives. This can contribute to divided loyalties. The stepchild may like the stepparent but get conflicting guidance from the stepparent and the absent biological parent or may simply feel that liking the stepparent too much is disloyalty to the absent biological parent.

In addition, the stepchild may still be suffering from the emotional trauma of loss of the absent parent. In such cases, the stepchild may act out his or her anger against the stepparent. Even when the child is consulted about the remarriage, the child may feel resentment. The biological parent, then, is torn between loyalty to the child and loyalty to the new spouse.

Adjustment of Stepchildren

Adjustment to stepfamily living is challenging for children. They may exhibit various kinds of internal and external problems, including lower academic performance and achievement, school-related behavior problems, higher levels of depressive symptoms, and a greater likelihood of spending time in jail (Harper and McLanahan 2004; Barrett and Turner 2005; Jeynes 2006). Moreover, they are more vulnerable to these problems whether they are the only child in the family, or a stepchild with step- or half-siblings, or the child living with his biological parents in a home with stepsiblings (Tillman 2008; Halpern-Meekin and Tach 2008).

Most of the research, however, has examined the short-term effects of stepfamily life on stepchildren. What about the longer-term consequences? Surveys carried out by the National Opinion Research Center asked respondents about their living arrangements at the age of 16. Beer (1988) pooled results from a 12-year period and found some interesting differences depending on whether the respondents lived with both biological parents, a father and a stepmother, or a mother and stepfather (table 15.1). Males from intact families scored better than those from stepfamilies on 7 of 10 of the measures, while females from intact families scored better than others on 5 of the measures. A close examination of table 15.1 shows that no simple conclusions can be drawn. In some things, people from stepfamilies scored better than those from intact families. Overall, both males and females from intact families had somewhat better emotional adjustment (as defined by the five items in the survey) than did those from stepfamilies. And males from intact families had better social adjustment. But an intact family yielded little or no advantage to female social adjustment or to the familial adjustment of males or females.

Table 15.1Long-Term Adjustment by Type of Family Background

Table Summary: A table shows the long-term adjustment by type of family background. The first column lists down the type of adjustments, which include the following: Emotional adjustment (say they are very happy, believe most people try to be helpful, believe most people try to be fair, believe most people can be trusted, find life exciting); Social adjustment (are very satisfied with the job, Get a very great deal of satisfaction from friendships, respond «no» when asked if they drink more than they should); Familial adjustment (are very happily married, get a very great deal of satisfaction from family life). The second, third, and fourth columns show males at age 16, lived with mother and father, father and stepmother, and mother and stepfather, respectively. The fifth, sixth and seventh columns show females at age 16, lived with mother and father, father and stepmother, and mother and stepfather, respectively.

	Males at Age 16, Lived with				Females at Age 16, Lived with
	Mother and Father	Father and Stepmother	Mother and Stepfather		Mother and Father	Father and Stepmother	Mother and Stepfather
Emotional adjustment	Percent
Say they are very happy	34	38	23		39	24	34
Believe most people try to be helpful	51	41	43		60	56	57
Believe most people try to be fair	63	66	54		69	66	60
Believe most people can be trusted	51	41	41		46	44	42
Find life exciting	50	34	44		44	32	49
Social adjustment
Are very satisfied with job	50	43	41		51	48	50
Get a very great deal of satisfaction from friendships	29	27	24		35	25	37
Respond “no” when asked if they drink more than they should	52	49	48		69	73	55
Familial adjustment
Are very happily married	70	65	66		67	57	67
Get a very great deal of satisfaction from family life	42	43	36		47	30	49

Source: Beer, W. “New Family Ties: How Well Are We Coping?” Public Opinion, March/April 1988:15. Copyright © 1988 American Enterprise Institute. Reprinted with the permission of the American Enterprise Institute for Public Policy Research.

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Another interesting finding in table 15.1 is the differences between the backgrounds of stepfathers and stepmothers. In spite of the research that shows that stepmothers have more problems with children, only the females from stepmother families reported less adjustment than those from stepfather families. For males, those from stepmother families scored higher than those from stepfather families on 6 of the 10 measures. Finally, note that males from stepfather families and females from stepmother families were much less likely than others to say that they are very happy and had the lowest scores on a majority of the 10 measures. It may be, then, that the most difficult time for children occurs when the stepparent is the same sex as the stepchild.

Tanya is a 34-year-old secretary who is expecting her first child. She is in her second marriage. At the age of 20, she married her high school sweetheart. The union lasted six years. “It was a clear example of the conflict-habituated marriage,” she recalls. “We were both pulling our own way and expecting the other to ‘prove how much you love me.’” At one point, they moved to a different state, hoping the move would give their marriage a fresh start. When it didn’t, her husband moved back, but Tanya remained where she was. They divorced. She met another man and remarried a year later. She is delighted: “It was, and continues to be, six and one-half years later, wonderful to have someone with whom I can truly share my life. With him, I have found the intimacy that is so important for well-being and growth.”

Clearly, not everyone who remarries will have Tanya’s experience. But second marriages, including those involving stepfamilies, can work out well and be stable and satisfying. In our study of long-term marriages, about 10 percent of the couples involved a remarriage (Lauer and Lauer 1986). What factors are at work in those second marriages and stepfamilies that succeed?

First, as far as the marriage itself is concerned, the same factors that make a first marriage work well also apply to a second marriage. For example, communication skills are as important to marital satisfaction in stepfamilies as in marriages generally (Beaudry et al. 2004). Stepfamilies are more likely to remain intact and satisfying when the adults deal realistically (confronting rather than avoiding) with their differences and persevere in their efforts to cope with the various challenges of family life (Saint-Jacques et al. 2011). It is also important to continually nurture the marriage (Lebey 2004). As a therapist told us, some remarried couples make the mistake of giving priority to the needs of their children over their needs as a couple. He suggests that parents in a remarriage set aside a minimum amount of time each day and some special times on weekends when they can be alone. One of the best things a couple can do for their children, he notes, is to show them that their parent and stepparent care about each other and need to spend time together to enrich their marriage. It is also one of the best things they can do for their relationship as husband and wife. Second marriages, like first marriages, need careful nurturing.

Furthermore, stepfamilies work well to the extent that they confront and adequately respond to a number of challenges and tasks (Lauer and Lauer 1999), including the following:

• Help each other deal with feelings of loss that arise out of the disruption of the previous families.

• Replace fantasy expectations with realistic ones.

• Develop a sense of family identity, including the sense that “We are a family” rather than “We are a stepfamily.”

• Assist each other in working through such loyalty conflicts as when children are torn between a desire to maintain a close relationship with the natural parent and to develop one with the stepparent.

• Resolve any lingering issues with ex-spouses.

• Develop stepparenting rules and behaviors that are acceptable to everyone.

• Be aware of, and responsive to, the feelings and needs of each member of the stepfamily.

• Nurture a strong marital relationship.

In sum, remarriage and the stepfamily represent another effort to create meaningful intimate relationships after the first effort has failed. The task is no easier the second time. On the contrary, it is more difficult. But millions of Americans have already shown that it can be done. A failed quest for intimacy does not mean that the quest is fruitless. With patience, understanding, and hard work, fulfilling intimate relationships are within the grasp of each of us.

People may enter a remarriage from one of five different situations. One partner may have been single. And one or both partners may have been divorced or widowed with no children, divorced or widowed with custody of children, divorced or widowed without custody of children, or divorced or widowed with custody of some children but not others. Most Americans who divorce each year will remarry, and many of the remarriages will involve children. The divorce rate is slightly higher among second than first marriages when both partners were married previously, and it is even higher when one or both partners bring children to the marriage.

Second marriages fare better if there is a period of three to five years of dating after the divorce. Those who remarry tend to spend less time in dating and engagement to second spouses. They also do little to prepare for a second marriage other than living together, though some get counseling or seek advice from friends or books. People remarry for the same reasons they marry the first time; in addition, some may be looking for suitable step-parents for their children.

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Some myths about remarriage can be detrimental to the relationship. There are also challenges and issues that are peculiar to remarriage. The kin relations are complex and the roles may be ambiguous. There may be unresolved emotional issues from the first marriage. Issues of children and finances and legal matters also arise.

The quality of remarried life depends on such things as companionship, feelings, and satisfaction with parenting. Remarried people tend to report as satisfying relationships as those in first marriages.

Life in a stepfamily typically involves a phase of turmoil, followed by a phase of relative harmony and then another phase of difficulties. Stepfamilies are unique because of their complexity (the large number of relationships involved), ambiguous family boundaries, and normative ambiguity. The very term stepfamily has negative connotations for many people.

Stepfathers, according to their own and their wives’ evaluations, parent as well as, or even better than, the children’s biological fathers. Discipline of the stepchildren, however, is a particularly troublesome area. Nevertheless, the majority of stepchildren say they like stepparents and get along well with them, though boys have an easier time than girls in adjusting to stepfamily life.

Stepmothers have less positive relationships with stepchildren than do stepfathers. Still a majority of their stepchildren report satisfying relationships. One of the reasons stepmothering poses more problems than stepfathering is it is more likely to involve a noncustodial relationship.

Stepparents are more likely than biological parents to perceive strains on the marriage from the parenting experience, and satisfaction is significantly lower when both spouses bring children to the marriage. Noncustodial stepchildren tend to create more problems than those who live in the stepfamily.

In spite of the problems, the majority of children in stepfamilies are satisfied with their stepparents. In the long run, however, both males and females from intact families have somewhat better emotional adjustment and males have somewhat better social adjustment than those who grow up in stepfamilies. There tends to be less cohesion, less adaptability, and more stress in stepfamilies. Stepfamilies also have strengths, particularly compared with single-parent families.

The same factors that make a first marriage work well also apply to a second marriage. For the stepfamily to work well, the various members must work together through a set of challenges and tasks that range from clearing away unrealistic expectations to forming a family identity.

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If you have experienced remarriage in your personal life as a marriage partner, stepchild, or grandparent, you know that the challenges associated with remarriage are many. And the challenges of creating a satisfying stepfamily life are not only numerous but very difficult. A number of organizations and websites exist to help people with the challenges. Two useful websites are:

• Psychology Today

  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-remarriage-blueprint

  • This site has a number of articles about remarriage and stepfamily life, and offers many insights and helpful advice to those who remarry and those in stepfamilies.

• Stepfamily Foundation

  • https://www.stepfamily.org/

  • This site has links to information and statistics on various aspects of stepfamily life.

Using these two sites and others, enlarge your understanding with the following projects:

1. Use the Psychology Today site and others that you identify through a search engine to gather materials about remarriage. Imagine that a good friend, who lives in another city and who has been divorced for two years, writes you about falling in love again. Your friend is thinking about remarriage but is concerned because the first marriage failed. Write a letter that gives some helpful guidance, including both the perils and the promises of a second marriage that you have gleaned from your Internet search.

2. From materials at the Stepfamily Foundation site, along with the discussion in your text, summarize the major challenges facing stepfamily life and the resources available to deal with those challenges. Identify two or three stepfamilies, and interview a member of each of them about their experience of these challenges and resources. Note similarities and differences between the Internet and text materials and information from your interviews.

3. Use a search engine to find information about stepfamilies in other nations and about the support groups available to them. Summarize what you find. Make a report to the class, comparing your findings with the text materials on stepfamilies in the United States.

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